This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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