Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
