ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
