Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
