my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
