remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
