Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
