just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
