i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
