Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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