Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
