I will die if light touches me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
