the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
