Pants 0. Shit 1.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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