I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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