does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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