Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
