btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
