I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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