Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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