Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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