I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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