and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
