Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize