you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
