this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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