My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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