playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
