You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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