Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
