FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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