I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
