We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
