the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
