Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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