oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
