I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
