Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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