I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
