watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
