i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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