I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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