theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
