Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
