I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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