It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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