Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
