I think my fart just growled at me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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