I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
