You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
