Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This baby is an asshole
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
