Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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