ugly people sure do ruin things
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
