maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
