The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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