He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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